Surgery POSTPONED :(- Due to Anemia

I was too disappointed to post yesterday :(. But the surgery has been postponed due to Anemia and low blood volume. So, I'm back to square one but hoping to get a medical clearance within the next 3 weeks in order to have surgery in 4. By the end of the evening, I had put a positive spin on it allowing myself to believe that this is an opportunity to give me ample time to get ready for the life changes that await me and the road ahead as this is a process which require much discipline, effort, and commitment. I also did my 1 hr of cardio yesterday and will continue to exercise every day to keep that rhythm going even after surgery. Adding daily strength training as of Monday. Joined a Strength Training team! Will do the impossible to implement all possible preventive measures for that excess skin... Funny enough, even when I look at my big belly now I see past it! I see myself in a super sharp outfit... Odd how the mind plays tricks on you... I am slowly and surely divorcing from this body... Being off the liquid diet was AWESOME!!!! lol - Had Argentinian steak last night... hmmm hmmm good! ... Oh! BTW, there is a Biggest Loser audition going on today at my gym and the line is 4 blocks long!... So many overweight people out there, fighting the same struggles as I am. From the look on their faces, I recognize myself. It is not about being on TV or becoming a 15-minute star... Nah, it's about that last hope and that desperation to find that last branch in the middle of an ocean... Hope some Miami folks make it... It's a great show... Sent an invite to a lady I know who started her journey at 450 and got down to 390 after 3 months... I'm so present in my reality it is unnerving... Will keep posting to keep you informed on the medical clearance progress. Ciao! :)

Day 4! Pre-op medical clearance day

Physician appointment day to get final medical clearance. Hope my anemia doesn't leave me on the bench! :( ... So far, so good... Stomach growling :)...

Small victories I'm looking forward to :)

1)Sit on a plane without having to ask for a seat belt extender- and being embarrassed 2)No longer declining invitations because of my paranoia as to whether where I am going to has plastic chairs or not- that I'll probably sit on and break. This one literally gives me palpitations 3)Never having to step foot into a Lane Bryant store, EVER AGAIN. To shop at regular stores and wear cute styles and outfits (and high heels!) 4)Lifting the sabbatical on intimacy 5)Post pretty and happy pictures on Facebook 6)Allow my body to match my personality, finally 7)Start socializing and hanging out with friends without the fear of literally being the elephant in the room 8)Cross my legs! 9)Solve my emotional relationship with food 10)Look in the mirror and say: "you go girl!" :)

On to Day 3! Day 2 was HELL! :(

Day 3 Pre-Op: 291 lbs. I still cannot believe I made it through yesterday. It is as if I was being attacked by a food demon. I smelled and saw food EVERYWHERE!!! This was pure torture! Luckily I had walked the dog early evening because, had I gone out to walk her last night, I would have made a secret run to Burger King and just binged :(. The brain is powerful indeed. I literally had to sit there and have a conversation with myself. I then realized that the stress of the food deprivation is forcing my brain to request its medication. Comfort food. My own brain is sabotaging my resolve and fighting every bit of my already low willpower. This is such a tricky process and an everyday struggle. I'm too weak to exercise. My mouth is dry. I slept hungry. All liquids is not fun. I really can't wait for the surgery to get here already! So, on to Day 3 with a prayer of surrender that I get assistance from above to keep my eyes on the prize. It is an internal and external process that one must be committed to. I am. Doing my very best.

Day 2 Pre-Op! :)

Today is already presenting itself as a good day... Woke up in pure gratitude of what awaits me and the opportunity to go through it. Do I have food on my mind!? ABSOLUTELY! Non-stop!!!! lol... But also doing the impossible to keep my mind occupied. First task of the day was to read the ObesityHelp.com forum on which i found some transformation pics from a lady which really inspired me and fueled my motivation. Sharing it with you guys: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/VSG/4542713/10-MONTH-SURGIVERSAR/ Heading out to the gym to clear my mind. Nothing better to clear the mind and get you in a happy mood! C y'all later!

Day 1 done! Mission Accomplished

Oh Lord! What a day! My mind was fighting me all day and playing tricks on me. Right now I have a withdrawal headache... But I made it and am quite proud of myself! Tomorrow will be easier! No pain, no gain! And this is about getting prepared for a risky surgery. No wiggle room allowed. If I can't make it past these next days might as well call off the surgery... So, bravo to myself for giving today my best shot and for surmounting all temptations! Nite nite! PS: can't figure out how to get to 70 grams of protein while on liquids :(- must be done by tomorrow!

Here we go! Day 1 Pre-Op! :)

06/18/2012- PRE-OP DIET DAY 1: WEIGH IN @ 296 LBS.
Today is the first day of this new chapter of my life! I am embarking on this new path with conviction, serenity, maturity, regrets, hope and, most of all, joyful anticipation of what lies ahead. Finding the inner peace and willpower to surmount these next 7 days is somewhat coming naturally but, then again, I'm only a few hours in! lol... So far, so good! No cravings for Cheetos... I swear I am still trying to figure out if these things are laced with Prozac 'cause they have an instantaneous calming effect... For some reason, I now look at my current body as a science experiment gone wrong. I'm almost mentally detached from it already. It's such an odd feeling... hard to explain 


I've also developed a healthy obsession towards the forum and message board on ObesityHelp.com. They have been such a source of inspiration, strength, and direction. Sometimes you just need to hear about other people facing the challenges you are facing who are also willing to lay it all out there, without fear of judgement. It is segmented by type of surgery because each surgery has its particularities.


I also started the gym yesterday, just cardio. It keeps my head clear and my mood right. These are 2 key elements in this journey as your brain, your head, and your depression will be fighting you every step of the way to grab that Cheetos, ice cream, cake, or big bowl of pasta... I am stressed beyond belief as well but am determined to manage it without comfort food. Oddly enough, 30 minutes on the elliptical machine with amazing music fueling my workout gives me the same feeling as what I'd get from comfort food... So, training my brain to re-route its pleasure center... Yikes! Wish me luck...
Not too sure how soon after the surgery I will be able to work out. However, I am so MORTIFIED about the excess skin that I will be motivated ASAP. I know it is a side effect of rapid weight loss. But I'd rather be skinny with extra skin than fat. Overall, I will do my very best to blog at least 4 times weekly in order to candidly and humbly share my story with those who may benefit from it. It is a personal journey that most may not understand but which is necessary to face head-on... 

I've taken care of the fear about the surgery by consistently visualizing myself at the 6-month and 1-year marks! They say that the average loss is of about 75 to 100 lbs within the first 6 months... I won't believe it until I see it on myself... I'd be another person! OMG! Oh well, gotta go, but may post this evening to give a wrap-up of Day 1...

C ya!

HOW DID I GET HERE? Why Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)?

I have fighting to lose the excess weight for more than 15 years now. I have tried every possible diet one can think of. Like Nike, some people just "do it". It hasn't been the case for me :(. I admit that it is a struggle that has somewhat defined the past 15 years of my life and that I perceive as a constant depiction and reminder of my inadequacy to achieve what others, more willing and able than I, have. This said inadequacy has tainted many areas of my life and has cost me immeasurably. Moreover, I suffer from PCOS which is a severe hormonal disease which affects the reproductive system and creates a pear-shaped figure with a very heavy belly or mid-section area, incessant facial hair growth, infertility, and various other issues... It is SOOOOOO embarrassing to walk into a room or into a store and to always have people glance at your belly as if you are a circus act. It's a quick glance but you are trained to catch it because it has become such a part of your life at this point. People just can't help themselves, and as much as you rationalize it to yourself, it still affects you subconsciously. 

Most people think having surgery is the easy way out due to a lack of discipline, determination, hard work, and willpower. I am here to tell you that it is NOT. It is actually the hard way out. It is the decision to put your life on the line in order to release yourself from the shackles created by living in an obese body. It is about conquering the lingering feelings of low-self worth, chronic depression, and constant need to medicate all of life's stresses with comfort food. It is about giving your spirit a fighting chance to accomplish what it is here to do. It is about conquering social fears. It is about being humble enough to recognize your weaknesses. It is surrendering to the fact that you need help to help reset your system and that you are not strong enough to do it alone. It is realizing that what is eating you may be causing you to overeat. It is coming to the realization that all the complications from surgery are worth the risk. It is reaching the point of surrender; to accept that whether you make it out or not of the operating room is  still your only way out of this prison, out of this body.

I wish I had it in me to do another diet, to obsess about the gym, to give it a few more months. I just know that I don't. I owe it to myself to live a healthy, confident, successful, and happy life. Now, I know that solving the weight issue will not be a panacea. However, it will give me a booster to intensively perform transformative work, inward and outward. It is my commitment to myself.

I will keep this post updated and will muster the courage to add pictures and videos along the way.

Looking forward to the greatest year of my life!

Love always! :)