1-month Surgiversary and 32 lbs down! :)

I am grateful for the day I had an epiphany and decided to have this surgery. So far, it has positively impacted my outlook on life's possibilities, my self-perception, my mental health, and my self-confidence. One month in, I already feel like I am on the road of discovery and recovery...

Some stats:
Sleeved: 07/16/2012
SW: 296 lbs
CW 264 lbs (it's actually a bit less than this but I rounded the # )

What I've learned so far:
1) I dropped about 20 lbs within the first week after surgery and hit a discouraging stall. It happens to all of us but the body will adjust and will continue to lose steadily. Your brain will start playing tricks on you and on your motivation. Do not let it.

2) Water was still a struggle until 3 weeks in. Most people laugh at the fact that water intake is so difficult. Unless you've had this surgery, you can't imagine how basic water is a struggle to get down. But HANG IN THERE, your intake will increase AND this is will make the fat flush down WAY faster...

3) Food choices are a land mine but as you settle into this journey, you will realize that your new brain is educating itself while also fighting the old brain. I have made 95% good choices and have learned to incorporate healthy versions of foods I crave for. Severe deprivation is a trigger in itself which causes one to binge. Don't punish yourself or blame yourself. Realize, accept, forgive, and fix. You will surely have emotional and stressful triggers but you will be CONSCIOUS of them instead of just running to a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I feel PAIN when my stomach is full. I never overeat, I mostly eat proteins. I have learned how to take care of my sleeve. It will remain an ongoing process.

4) I have a love/hate relationship with exercising but will definitely amp it up, especially strength training. The thing is that you can feel so weak and depleted on 600 calories that by the time you add in a 300+ calorie burning workout, you feel like a zombie. I am registered for a 5K on 09/30 that I will surely complete EVEN IF I walk it. Setting goals and keeping them is KEY. Keep pushing yourself to places and levels you could not have ever imagined in the life you are gradually leaving behind. You'll be amazed at how progressive actions force the brain to obey. Challenge but obey.

5) Your brain (nor the mirror) will not see your weight loss. It will refuse to accept that you are indeed slimming down. Your body will feel the changes, you will feel lighter, you will feel healthier and better- but your brain will still fight you every step of the way. Your brain got you to where you are at in the first place. It is and will remain your biggest enemy. NEVER stop fighting it... It will tell you that you can't make it, that this huge amount of fat is never leaving you, that all the people who are noticing the changes are just being polite, that your clothes only fit better because you lost water weight. That these success pics you see on the forums are about OTHERS not you. You can't possibly believe you can do this and be a size 10, 8, 6 coming from a 22/24. Just tell it to SHUT THE HELL UP and keep shaping that NEW brain that will forever erase it! -- I think I'm going to invent a brain puncher!

6) You will find negative people who will try to cast their own issues upon you and try to insert their own drama in your life and journey. Go back to #5 and tell them what I told you to tell your old brain.

7) You will have that pep in your step and won't know where it's coming from. It is from within.

8) You will realize that you missed/wasted so many years and often wish that you had had this surgery earlier in life.

9) You will continuously compare your #s to others' on the forums and will get either discouraged or fueled. Do not fall for this trap. Each person has his/her own rhythm, internal and external factors, and various levels of physical activities. Learn from the posts, the vets, but mostly from yourself. You will be surprised of how much more in tune you will be with your new brain and body.

10) You will want to be skinny TOMORROW and obsess with the scale. DON'T. You did not get here overnight and neither will you leave it as such. It takes time but less time than if you had attempted to do it without this helpful tool. You have a control switch. Use it!

Count your blessings and enjoy the journey!

I'm blessed, thankful, and amazed!

1-week Post-Op and 21 Lbs. down!!!

Well, today is officially a week since surgery and I am feeling GREAT! I was doing my best to post right after surgery but, mentally and physically, could'nt get myself to do it! Although now, at 7 days out, the pain and horror of surgery and immediate recovery are distant memories. NO ONE had prepared me for this level of pain. Amazing! Also to find out that they had repaired an hiatal hernia which was the most painful of all. And let's not even begin to talk about the gas! LOL... Couldn't get it out for the first 3 days and, for those who know, it is the worst feeling in the world. I remember reading the OH forum and seeing people stating that they could not get down their required 64 oz. of fluids per day and saying "that's crazy,  I can do this in a flash!"... Oh No! I've been schooled! LOL... well, let's say that it took me 2 days to down an 8 oz. cup of water... Plus, the protein intake is such a challenge. Everything is a challenge. It is as if you are re-educating yourself to live with a baby's stomach's capacity...

The most awakening feeling is to wake up after surgery and to realize that your relationship with food has been severed. This long-term partner which occupied your mind and engulfed your life has suddenly lost its grip. It is an odd feeling which gives a sense of rebirth. For these first days, food did not exist. And then, it all clicked!... This surgery is not a magic wand... It is indeed a tool that helps you adjust your behavior and adopt a new way of living by physically forcing you to control impulses and giving you a window of opportunity to change your body. My humble goal is to lose at least 75 lbs within the next 6 months and this tool is going to help me! Yes it will! :)

As of date, I still don't have a hunger feeling. I still forcing (TRYING) the water and protein down. I need to do a better job of keeping hydrated. So I'm -21 lbs as of today and I am SUPER excited!!! :)- I'm ON MY WAY!!!!!

Question 1: Did I make the right decision by having this surgery even with all the pain, drama and risks?: YES! - Question 2: Knowing what I know now, would have I made the same decision?: HELLZ YA!!!! lol

Have a superb day guys! :)

Surgery is tomorrow ... How do I feel? :( :( :(

Well, it's around midnight and, although I'm quite calm, quiet, serene, and introspective, I must admit that I am somewhat nervous... More than somewhat actually. I've got much on my mind... On top of jitters, and debating whether or not to write notes to my family :(... Although I also feel that a new chance at life has been handed to me. For those who think weight loss surgery is the easy way out, this is the moment of truth... The moment when you know that, albeit the risks presented by surgery, this is the way out. Liberation from the prison of obesity and its constant chackles of shame, depression, social anxiety, social withdrawal, inability to live to one's full potential, and the crippling feeling of inadequacy watching life just pass you by and not being able to conquer this ONE thing... No, it is not because you cannot control what you put in your mouth, are lazy, and are a lost case... It is because your brain, hormones, mind, physiology, intellect, spirit, and body have given up the fight. It is understanding that surgery is not a panacea but rather a jumpstart to allow you to implement newly formed behavior and habits and to address the dysfunctional relationship you have with food, and with whatever it helps you cope with... It is saying goodbye to your dependable old best friend who has carried you through the peaks and valleys of your life and embracing your new best friend: the one who has been screaming for help, the one you have suppressed, the one you have deemed unreachable and out of your league, the one who deserves a healthy and happy life... Yup! THAT ONE! The YOU you know you can be!!! Much love on the journey ahead to all my newbies! God willing, all will go well, and I will be updating tomorrow after surgery!

Lisa Lampanelli speaking about her Gastric Sleeve on Bethenny

A candid and realistic take on things... Love it!

Surgery BACK ON and I am SOOOO excited!

All is well with my anemia and the surgery is back on and scheduled for Monday 07/16/2012. I shall consider this date my "re-birth" day. So excited! and looking forward to the road ahead. Come to think of it, I am happy it didnt happen on June 25th as previously scheduled. I was not as prepared as I am right now. I've had more time for introspection and preparation. ObesityHelp.com has been very helpful in the process as well. I am back at the pre-op diet. It has been difficult and I've cheated a couple of times :( but giving it my best shot! You fall back, you get back up! That's the motto... I will be adding pics and videos and will keep you all posted on how things are going!

Surgery POSTPONED :(- Due to Anemia

I was too disappointed to post yesterday :(. But the surgery has been postponed due to Anemia and low blood volume. So, I'm back to square one but hoping to get a medical clearance within the next 3 weeks in order to have surgery in 4. By the end of the evening, I had put a positive spin on it allowing myself to believe that this is an opportunity to give me ample time to get ready for the life changes that await me and the road ahead as this is a process which require much discipline, effort, and commitment. I also did my 1 hr of cardio yesterday and will continue to exercise every day to keep that rhythm going even after surgery. Adding daily strength training as of Monday. Joined a Strength Training team! Will do the impossible to implement all possible preventive measures for that excess skin... Funny enough, even when I look at my big belly now I see past it! I see myself in a super sharp outfit... Odd how the mind plays tricks on you... I am slowly and surely divorcing from this body... Being off the liquid diet was AWESOME!!!! lol - Had Argentinian steak last night... hmmm hmmm good! ... Oh! BTW, there is a Biggest Loser audition going on today at my gym and the line is 4 blocks long!... So many overweight people out there, fighting the same struggles as I am. From the look on their faces, I recognize myself. It is not about being on TV or becoming a 15-minute star... Nah, it's about that last hope and that desperation to find that last branch in the middle of an ocean... Hope some Miami folks make it... It's a great show... Sent an invite to a lady I know who started her journey at 450 and got down to 390 after 3 months... I'm so present in my reality it is unnerving... Will keep posting to keep you informed on the medical clearance progress. Ciao! :)

Day 4! Pre-op medical clearance day

Physician appointment day to get final medical clearance. Hope my anemia doesn't leave me on the bench! :( ... So far, so good... Stomach growling :)...

Small victories I'm looking forward to :)

1)Sit on a plane without having to ask for a seat belt extender- and being embarrassed 2)No longer declining invitations because of my paranoia as to whether where I am going to has plastic chairs or not- that I'll probably sit on and break. This one literally gives me palpitations 3)Never having to step foot into a Lane Bryant store, EVER AGAIN. To shop at regular stores and wear cute styles and outfits (and high heels!) 4)Lifting the sabbatical on intimacy 5)Post pretty and happy pictures on Facebook 6)Allow my body to match my personality, finally 7)Start socializing and hanging out with friends without the fear of literally being the elephant in the room 8)Cross my legs! 9)Solve my emotional relationship with food 10)Look in the mirror and say: "you go girl!" :)

On to Day 3! Day 2 was HELL! :(

Day 3 Pre-Op: 291 lbs. I still cannot believe I made it through yesterday. It is as if I was being attacked by a food demon. I smelled and saw food EVERYWHERE!!! This was pure torture! Luckily I had walked the dog early evening because, had I gone out to walk her last night, I would have made a secret run to Burger King and just binged :(. The brain is powerful indeed. I literally had to sit there and have a conversation with myself. I then realized that the stress of the food deprivation is forcing my brain to request its medication. Comfort food. My own brain is sabotaging my resolve and fighting every bit of my already low willpower. This is such a tricky process and an everyday struggle. I'm too weak to exercise. My mouth is dry. I slept hungry. All liquids is not fun. I really can't wait for the surgery to get here already! So, on to Day 3 with a prayer of surrender that I get assistance from above to keep my eyes on the prize. It is an internal and external process that one must be committed to. I am. Doing my very best.

Day 2 Pre-Op! :)

Today is already presenting itself as a good day... Woke up in pure gratitude of what awaits me and the opportunity to go through it. Do I have food on my mind!? ABSOLUTELY! Non-stop!!!! lol... But also doing the impossible to keep my mind occupied. First task of the day was to read the ObesityHelp.com forum on which i found some transformation pics from a lady which really inspired me and fueled my motivation. Sharing it with you guys: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/VSG/4542713/10-MONTH-SURGIVERSAR/ Heading out to the gym to clear my mind. Nothing better to clear the mind and get you in a happy mood! C y'all later!

Day 1 done! Mission Accomplished

Oh Lord! What a day! My mind was fighting me all day and playing tricks on me. Right now I have a withdrawal headache... But I made it and am quite proud of myself! Tomorrow will be easier! No pain, no gain! And this is about getting prepared for a risky surgery. No wiggle room allowed. If I can't make it past these next days might as well call off the surgery... So, bravo to myself for giving today my best shot and for surmounting all temptations! Nite nite! PS: can't figure out how to get to 70 grams of protein while on liquids :(- must be done by tomorrow!

Here we go! Day 1 Pre-Op! :)

06/18/2012- PRE-OP DIET DAY 1: WEIGH IN @ 296 LBS.
Today is the first day of this new chapter of my life! I am embarking on this new path with conviction, serenity, maturity, regrets, hope and, most of all, joyful anticipation of what lies ahead. Finding the inner peace and willpower to surmount these next 7 days is somewhat coming naturally but, then again, I'm only a few hours in! lol... So far, so good! No cravings for Cheetos... I swear I am still trying to figure out if these things are laced with Prozac 'cause they have an instantaneous calming effect... For some reason, I now look at my current body as a science experiment gone wrong. I'm almost mentally detached from it already. It's such an odd feeling... hard to explain 


I've also developed a healthy obsession towards the forum and message board on ObesityHelp.com. They have been such a source of inspiration, strength, and direction. Sometimes you just need to hear about other people facing the challenges you are facing who are also willing to lay it all out there, without fear of judgement. It is segmented by type of surgery because each surgery has its particularities.


I also started the gym yesterday, just cardio. It keeps my head clear and my mood right. These are 2 key elements in this journey as your brain, your head, and your depression will be fighting you every step of the way to grab that Cheetos, ice cream, cake, or big bowl of pasta... I am stressed beyond belief as well but am determined to manage it without comfort food. Oddly enough, 30 minutes on the elliptical machine with amazing music fueling my workout gives me the same feeling as what I'd get from comfort food... So, training my brain to re-route its pleasure center... Yikes! Wish me luck...
Not too sure how soon after the surgery I will be able to work out. However, I am so MORTIFIED about the excess skin that I will be motivated ASAP. I know it is a side effect of rapid weight loss. But I'd rather be skinny with extra skin than fat. Overall, I will do my very best to blog at least 4 times weekly in order to candidly and humbly share my story with those who may benefit from it. It is a personal journey that most may not understand but which is necessary to face head-on... 

I've taken care of the fear about the surgery by consistently visualizing myself at the 6-month and 1-year marks! They say that the average loss is of about 75 to 100 lbs within the first 6 months... I won't believe it until I see it on myself... I'd be another person! OMG! Oh well, gotta go, but may post this evening to give a wrap-up of Day 1...

C ya!

HOW DID I GET HERE? Why Weight Loss Surgery (WLS)?

I have fighting to lose the excess weight for more than 15 years now. I have tried every possible diet one can think of. Like Nike, some people just "do it". It hasn't been the case for me :(. I admit that it is a struggle that has somewhat defined the past 15 years of my life and that I perceive as a constant depiction and reminder of my inadequacy to achieve what others, more willing and able than I, have. This said inadequacy has tainted many areas of my life and has cost me immeasurably. Moreover, I suffer from PCOS which is a severe hormonal disease which affects the reproductive system and creates a pear-shaped figure with a very heavy belly or mid-section area, incessant facial hair growth, infertility, and various other issues... It is SOOOOOO embarrassing to walk into a room or into a store and to always have people glance at your belly as if you are a circus act. It's a quick glance but you are trained to catch it because it has become such a part of your life at this point. People just can't help themselves, and as much as you rationalize it to yourself, it still affects you subconsciously. 

Most people think having surgery is the easy way out due to a lack of discipline, determination, hard work, and willpower. I am here to tell you that it is NOT. It is actually the hard way out. It is the decision to put your life on the line in order to release yourself from the shackles created by living in an obese body. It is about conquering the lingering feelings of low-self worth, chronic depression, and constant need to medicate all of life's stresses with comfort food. It is about giving your spirit a fighting chance to accomplish what it is here to do. It is about conquering social fears. It is about being humble enough to recognize your weaknesses. It is surrendering to the fact that you need help to help reset your system and that you are not strong enough to do it alone. It is realizing that what is eating you may be causing you to overeat. It is coming to the realization that all the complications from surgery are worth the risk. It is reaching the point of surrender; to accept that whether you make it out or not of the operating room is  still your only way out of this prison, out of this body.

I wish I had it in me to do another diet, to obsess about the gym, to give it a few more months. I just know that I don't. I owe it to myself to live a healthy, confident, successful, and happy life. Now, I know that solving the weight issue will not be a panacea. However, it will give me a booster to intensively perform transformative work, inward and outward. It is my commitment to myself.

I will keep this post updated and will muster the courage to add pictures and videos along the way.

Looking forward to the greatest year of my life!

Love always! :)